The Aliens of Antar: or, The Slave of Destiny
by kLyn
Summary: Roswell meets Gilbert and Sullivan in this parody of 'The Pirates of Penzance'. M&M, AU; Act 2 begun!
1. Act I

The Aliens of Antar  
or, The Slave of Destiny  
  
by kLyn  
  
**Written:** October 2001 -   
  
**Email:** klyn66@hotmail.com   
  
**Rating:** PG-13   
  
**Category:** AU, M&M, G&S!  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Michael, Maria and all the other characters from the **Roswell** books and TV show. They belong to Melinda Metz, Jason Katims and the good folks at the UPN and WB networks. I'm only borrowing them.  
  
And, although I wish I did, I don't own **The Pirates of Penzance** or any of the other wonderful works in the G&S oeuvre. The music belongs to Sir Arthur Sullivan and the lyrics to W. S. Gilbert. Luckily, both are now in the public domain.  
  
**Distribution:** Ask first, please.  
  
**Author's Notes:** This is a parody of Gilbert and Sullivan's **The Pirates of Penzance**, using members of the **Roswell** crew. The structure follows the original operetta fairly closely. If you'd like to follow along, check out , where you can read the original libretto and even listen to midi files of the music. Feel free to sing along!  
  
  
  
**THE ALIENS OF ANTAR  
  
or, The Slave of Destiny**  
  
_A Gilbert-and-Sullivanesque Operetta_  
  
Libretto by kLyn  
with a nod to W. S. Gilbert  
  
Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan  
  
  
**ACT 1**  
  
_SCENE: A rocky desert in the state of New Mexico. In the distance are the crumpled remains of a spaceship. As the curtain rises groups of aliens are discovered--some setting up camp, some working on what's left of the space-going craft. TESS, a short blonde human/alien hybrid, is going from one group to another, supervising. MICHAEL is seated in a despondent attitude at the back of the scene._  
  
  
**No. 1: OPENING CHORUS AND SOLO--Aliens and Tess  
All:**  
Mend, oh, mend the broken vessel;  
Fix, oh, fix the splintered hull;  
With our shattered spacecraft wrestle.  
And be doomed to drudg'ry dull.  
  
**Tess:**  
For today the king's own second  
Landed, but things went awry;  
Status: even worse than reckoned,  
Thanks, you clumsy loner guy!  
  
**All:**  
Though we don't like to rehash it,  
Michael had to go and crash it.  
  
**Tess:**  
Michael made a loud crash landing;  
Our poor ship's not fit to fly,  
Which, our safety not withstanding,  
Leaves us all quite high and dry!  
  
**All:**  
Though we don't like to rehash it,  
Michael had to go and crash it.  
Mend, oh, mend the shattered spacecraft, etc.  
  
  
_MICHAEL rises and comes forward with MAX, who enters._  
  
**Max:** Yes, Michael, today we have finally reached a safe haven.  
  
**All:** About time.  
  
**Michael:** What the hell have you all got to complain about? It's not my fault that the engine core was damaged in battle. I got us all down alive, didn't I? I just wish it wasn't too late to give the enemy what they deserve.  
  
**Max:** What do you mean?  
  
**Michael:** I'm sick to death of all this fighting. It's hopeless and I quit, that's what I mean.  
  
**Max:** What are you talking about? You can't quit, you're my second-in-command. Besides, you're good at all this war stuff.  
  
**Michael:** Yeah, I did what I had to do. Ran missions, killed a few hundred Skins, saved your royal butt a few times. And what good did it do me? I'm in exile on this stupid excuse for a planet, and I want to go home.  
  
**Tess:** Your home is with the Royal Four. It's your destiny.  
  
_ISABEL enters._  
  
**Michael:** I don't believe in all that destiny crap. I'm not hooking up with Isabel, no matter what you say.  
  
**Isabel:** And who's asking you to, Michael? I'm not interested in a relationship, you know. I've already learned that lesson.  
  
  
**No. 2: SONG--Isabel:**  
When I was just a little girl, I knew true love awaited;  
That somehow, somewhere, some sweet boy to steal my heart was slated.  
I vowed, alas! he would surpass all other men of stature;  
No bland and ordinary man would be my heart's love-catcher.  
A pretty dream of a joy supreme; I refused my love to squander;  
I meant it 'cause I proudly was a princess named Vilondr'.  
  
I was a stupid stuck-up girl, and didn't care who knew it,  
Though an interplanetary war would cause us all to rue it.  
Mistaking my affections for emotion without equal,   
I gave Khivar my undying love with no fear for its sequel.  
A sad mistake it was to make and doom us far to wander.  
No fate above the folly of a princess named Vilondr'.  
  
I soon found out, beyond all doubt, the scope of this disaster,  
Khivar turned out, the unweening lout, to be a total bastard.  
He made a fuss and ousted us, taking over our poor planet,  
So I made up my mind to act in kind, and turn my heart to granite.  
And that is how you find me now, a victim of this quandary.  
Which you wouldn't have found, had you been crowned a princess named Vilondry.  
  
  
**Isabel:** Oh, Vilondra! If only you'd kept your hormones in check! _(Kneels.)_  
  
**Michael:** Come off it, Iz. It was a previous life. It's not like you can take it back now.  
  
**Isabel** _(Rises)_: How was I to know all men are jerks?  
  
**Michael:** And women are such prizes? Oh, forget it. This afternoon I've had enough. The whole save the planet thing was all well and good when we were actually on the planet, but being here bites the big one. There's gotta be a way back home, and I'm gonna find it.  
  
**All:** Yeah, right. _(All snigger.)_  
  
**Max:** Well, Michael, if you really think you can find a way home, I'm not going to try and stop you. But don't forget what trouble you get into every time you rush headlong into things. Impulsive behavior can have rather painful consequences.  
  
**Tess:** Are you sure we can't tempt you to stay? I know it hasn't been a very _successful_ war. I don't know why, but it hasn't.  
  
**Michael:** No shit. If I'd been in charge, things would've been different.  
  
**Max:** Really? What would you have done?  
  
**Tess:** Yes, as the king's second, you owe it to us to tell.  
  
**All:** Tell, tell!  
  
**Michael:** God, isn't it obvious? It's you, Max. The minute someone gets hurt, you're all 'Stop! I must heal!' It doesn't matter where you are or what's going on, you just drop everything. And if it's in the middle of a battle, we get totally whipped.  
  
**Max:** You've got a point.  
  
**Michael:** It doesn't even matter _who_ is hurt, as long as you get the chance to play nurse.  
  
**Tess:** Of course it doesn't. After seeing half the planet wiped out with Antarian plague, we know what it's like to suffer.  
  
**Michael:** Yeah, but everybody knows all about it by now. It's getting so that all Khivar needs to do to distract you is send in a foot-soldier with a hangnail, and it completely turns the tide of the battle. You'd think he recruited his whole Army from the ICU. I mean, if everyone who told you he was wounded really was, the Planetary Free Health Care System would have flatlined years ago.  
  
**Tess:** Well, gosh! You don't want us to act like heartless jerks, do you?  
  
**Michael:** That's the problem. As second-in-command of your battle forces I do, but as a...as a...Oh, who the hell am I trying to kid? Heartless jerks win wars. But since one minor little major defeat has you all giving up, I'm outta here.  
  
**Isabel:** And Isabel, your own Isabel, who was set down by the forces of destiny to be your promised bride, what about her?  
  
**Max:** Oh, he'll take you with him.  
  
**Michael:** God, Isabel, what happened to not wanting another relationship? I know everyone's pissed off at you, but you're not gonna get them to forget about it by blindly following some bullshit 'destined' fate. Not at my expense. I know we've known each other since we were eight years old, but that doesn't mean we're right for each other.  
  
**Isabel:** We are--oh, we are!  
  
**Michael:** Maybe so, if familiarity is a strong basis for a relationship. But going by that standard, I might as well marry Max.  
  
**Max:** I'll pass.  
  
**Michael:** After all, it would suck to marry her and then find out we really hate each other. Besides, what if she's lousy in the sack?  
  
**Max:** Watch it, Michael. That's my sister you're talking about.  
  
**Tess:** Her taste in men aside, she's got a lot of wonderful qualities.  
  
**Michael:** You really think so?  
  
**Tess:** Yes.  
  
**Michael:** Then you hook up with her. I bet slash is really big on this planet. _(Hands ISABEL to TESS.)_  
  
**Max:** No, Michael, forget it. We've had a rough time lately, with the war and all, but we haven't forgotten who and what we are. Besides, we're stuck with a PG-13 rating. I think I'm right in saying that we'd all feel more comfortable staying a little closer to the mainstream.  
  
**All** _(loudly)_: We would!  
  
**Max:** I thought so. Sorry, Michael, you're stuck with her. _(Hands her back to MICHAEL.)_  
  
**Michael:** Great. This really bites.  
  
_(Exit ISABEL, in a huff.)_  
  
**Max:** Well, I've got important king stuff to do. So long, Michael. When you discover your way back home, give me a buzz, okay?  
  
**Michael:** Sure. Just as soon as I can fix my communicator; I fried it trying to get it to translate Klingon. I have to admit, though, I'm kinda gonna miss you, Maxwell. Why not come with me?  
  
**Max:** No, Michael, I can't. I don't think much of this planet, but, compared with Khivar's dungeons, it's relatively pleasant. No, Michael, I shall live and die an Exiled King.  
  
  
**No. 3: SONG WITH CHORUS--Max and Aliens  
Max:**  
Oh better far to live and die  
Under this strange blue one-sunned sky  
Than play a hypocritical part,  
With a servile head but a royal heart.  
A way to our long-lost world you seek,  
Your vengeance on Khivar to wreak;  
But I'll be true to the song I sing,  
And live and die an Exiled King.  
For I am an Exiled King.  
  
**All:**   
You are!  
Hurrah for our Exiled King!  
  
**Max:**  
And it is, it is a bearable thing  
To be an Exiled King.  
  
**All:**  
Hurrah!  
Hurrah for our Exiled King!  
  
**Max:**  
When I saunter out in search of pain  
To help relieve its hurtful strain,  
I heal a few more wounds, I know,  
Than the doctors on that 'E.R.' show;  
But many a patient with lung disease,  
Diabetics, shut-ins and amputees,  
Alleviate their pains and aches;  
One touch of my hand is all it takes.  
For I am a Healer King.  
  
**All:**  
You are!  
Hurrah for our Healer King!  
  
**Max:**  
And it is, it is a virtuous thing  
To be a Healer King!  
  
**All:**  
It is!  
Hurrah for our Healer King!  
  
  
_(Exeunt all except MICHAEL. Enter ISABEL.)_  
  
**Isabel:** There's no sentient life for thousands of miles. You're not going to get off this planet, so you might as well stay here with us.  
  
**Michael:** Isabel, to be honest, you and Max are the closest thing to family I've ever had. A little _too_ much like family, if you know what I mean. It's time for me to fly the coop.  
  
**Isabel:** Too much like family! How can you be too much like family?  
  
**Michael:** Believe me, you can. Come on, Isabel, what makes you think I'm gonna fail?  
  
**Isabel:** Gee, I don't know, Michael--years of experience?  
  
**Michael:** Funny, Iz. You say there's no one around for miles. Got any evidence?  
  
**Isabel** _(Pointedly)_: That's what the scanners said, Michael.  
  
**Michael:** Are you sure?  
  
**Isabel:** Please. I think I can read a simple scanner report.  
  
**Michael:** No sentient beings nearby means no spaceflight technology to get me back to Antar.  
  
**Isabel:** Not unless you have wings. There's no point in trying.  
  
**Michael:** You really think so?  
  
**Isabel:** Yes, I'd be lying if I said different.  
  
**Michael:** Well, Izzy, that's good enough for me. We've been friends too long for me not to trust you. So if you say there's no one for thousands of miles, I guess I gotta believe you. _(Chorus of Students heard in the distance.)_ What the--! I hear voices! Who could be out here in the middle of this godforsaken desert? Did Khivar send an army of Skins after us? No, it doesn't sound like the Skins.  
  
**Isabel** _(aside)_: Oh no! It's the voices of humans! If he sees them I'm sunk.  
  
**Michael** _(looking off)_: Hey, this desert is inhabited!  
  
**Isabel** _(aside)_: Sunk! sunk! sunk!  
  
**Michael:** They look sentient--intelligent, even. Maybe they do have the technology to get me back to Antar. And Isabel--Isabel told me this place was uninhabited!  
  
  
**No. 4: RECITATIVE AND DUET--Michael and Isabel  
RECIT**  
**Michael:** Oh, Izzy, you really screwed up!  
**Isabel:** I really screwed up?  
**Michael:** Yeah, you screwed up! _(Denouncing her.)_  
  
**DUET--Michael and Isabel**  
**Michael:** You told me there was no one here!  
**Isabel** _(wildly)_: And, Michael, was I wrong to?  
**Michael:** It's not your place to interfere.  
**Isabel:** My family you belong to.  
**Michael:** To keep me from my quest you tried.  
**Isabel:** I'd lie my whole life long to.  
**Michael:** You broke my trust; your honor died.  
**Isabel:** Our friendship is too strong to.  
  
**Michael:**  
Scheming liar to deceive me--  
Hell, I trusted you!  
  
**Isabel:**  
Michael, Michael, do not leave me!  
Listen to me, do!  
  
Your family you are hurting.  
You should not be deserting.  
Contemplate the warmth of the affection felt for you.  
No vengeance-filled endeavor  
Is worth such warmth to sever.  
Love is something true--love is something true.  
  
**ENSEMBLE:**  
**Isabel:**  
Don't desert my brother,  
Just to fight another.  
What is Khivar's power but the power to destroy?  
_His_ love was fictitious  
And quite far from auspicious,  
Not the real McCoy--not the real McCoy!  
  
**Michael:**  
Yes, your almost-brother  
Vows to fight another.  
To get back home to Antar every power I'll employ.  
Not to be malicious,  
Your love is quite capricious,  
Not the real McCoy--not the real McCoy!  
  
_(At the end he renounces her, and she goes off in despair.)_  
  
  
**RECIT--Michael:**  
What should I do? What if these sentient beings  
Are enemy invaders--can I risk it?  
Hell no, I better see what I can find out--  
I'll hide behind this rock so I can eavesdrop!  
  
_(hides behind a rock as they enter strolling over the sand.)_  
  
  
**No. 5: CHORUS AND SOLOS--Students, Liz and Alex  
Students:**  
Hiking in the desert wasteland,  
Shuffling through saguaro-graced sand,  
Passing where the cacti flourish,  
Thoroughly our minds we nourish,  
Students of West Roswell High;  
Studying the desert fauna:  
Rattler, lizard and iguana.  
Clutching our cell phones and pagers,  
We are typical teenagers  
On a field trip, do or die!  
  
**Liz:**  
Let us study each new creature,  
Make a note of form and feature;  
Write it down in great detail,  
Let our inner geeks prevail.  
  
**All:**  
Write it down in great detail,  
Let our inner geeks prevail.  
  
**Liz:**  
Every moment is a teacher  
More verbose than any preacher;  
Follow every track and trail--  
Scholarship will never fail.  
  
**Alex:**  
Far away from high school halls,  
Wilting as excitement palls,  
Here we walk on weary feet  
On a field trip in the heat.  
Here in this dry, barren place,  
We'll extend our knowledge base.  
We'll get A's, or barely pass--  
At least we get out of class.  
  
**All:**  
Let us study each new creature, etc.  
  
**Alex:** What a barren place! Where the heck are we, anyway?  
  
**Liz:** And where is our science teacher? We left him awfully far behind.  
  
**Kyle:** Oh, he'll get here soon enough. He's not exactly in shape, and we've hiked pretty far.  
  
**Alex:** The desert isn't very hospitable, is it? I bet no human being has ever been able to survive out here for more than a couple of days.  
  
**Kyle:** Well, we can always leave it for the aliens.  
  
**Alex:** They're only marketing tools for tourist traps.  
  
**Liz:** And they can't be proven scientifically to exist. Although it would make a great science project if it were true.  
  
**Alex:** Liz, you already have an A+ average in science.  
  
**Liz:** Yes, but I could get _extra credit_. Well, we're here for a purpose, so let's get started. Suppose we get out our pencils and paper and take notes?  
  
**All:** Okay, okay. We guess so. _(They prepare to carry out the suggestion. They have all taken out their pencils, except Alex, who pulls out a laptop, when MICHAEL comes out from behind the rock.)_  
  
  
**No. 6: RECITATIVE--Michael, Liz, Alex and Students:**  
**Michael:** Hold it right there!  
**All** _(dropping their pencils--but not the laptop)_**:** My God!  
**Michael:** I didn't mean to  
Startle you all by popping out of nowhere  
In this supposedly abandoned desert  
But as I am a little turned around here  
And don't know where to find civilization  
Please point me towards the nearest town or city!  
**Liz:** But who on Earth are you? _(All picking up their pencils.)_  
**Michael:** Uh...I'm a tourist?  
**All** _(doubtfully)_**:** You don't look like it!  
**Michael:** Really, I'm not kidding!  
You might say I'm a kind of techno-tourist,  
In search of astrophysical invention,  
But I assure you all that I am harmless!  
So, help me out, and give me some directions.  
**Liz:** How ludicrous his tale!  
**Alex:** His hair--how spiky!  
**All:** How ludicrous his tale! His hair--how spiky!  
  
  
**No. 7: ARIA WITH CHORUS--Michael, Maria and Students:**  
**Michael:**  
Oh, isn't there one person who  
Will point me to the nearest city,  
The technological milieu  
Of scientific nitty-gritty?  
Who would, without apology,  
Help me achieve my sole ambition  
To study the technology  
Of physics, aeroflight and fission?  
  
**All:**  
Too bad! There's not one person who  
Will point you to the nearest city  
The technological milieu  
Of scientific nitty-gritty!  
  
**Michael:**  
Oh, isn't there one person kind,  
A font of useful information,  
Who'll do their best to help me find  
A scientific study station?  
A small atomic power plant,  
Some aeronautic engineering,  
A missile silo would enchant;  
So please don't say you can't--Stop sneering!  
  
**All:**  
Too bad! There's no one who's inclined  
To give you any information,  
Who'd risk their grade to help you find  
A scientific study station!  
  
**Michael** _(pissed off)_**:** Not one?  
**All:** No, no--not one!  
**Michael:** Not _one?_  
**All:** No, no!  
**Maria:** Yes, one!  
**All:** Maria!  
**Maria:** _(cadenza)_ Yes, it's Ma-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-  
ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-  
ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-  
ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ri-hi-a!  
  
**RECIT--Maria:**  
Am I a science devotee?  
No way!  
You pro'bly think I should just chill,  
But still,  
Is there a decent reason why  
This guy  
Deserves to be dismissed this way?  
  
**All** _(aside)_**:** The question is, had he not been  
A bit attractive,  
Would all her raging hormones be  
So hyperactive?  
  
**Maria:** No way. No way. No way!  
  
  
**No. 8: AIR WITH CHORUS--Maria and Students:**  
**Maria:**  
Comic relief  
Seems to be all I'm good for.  
Liz's blonde foil  
Sniffs cedar oil--  
Comic relief!  
  
Comic relief!  
Though it's a real long shot  
I'll help the guy;  
Then maybe I  
Will get a decent plot!  
Some plot that lets me shine;  
Some lovely plot--all mine!  
  
**All:**  
Some plot, not about Liz;  
Some other plot it is!  
  
_(Exeunt MARIA and MICHAEL. LIZ beckons to her friends, who form in a semicircle around her.)_  
  
  
**No. 9: SOLOS WITH CHORUS: Liz, Alex and Students:**  
**Liz:**  
What should we do now,  
To help our friend stay safe?  
I'm not a sacred cow;  
Replacement doesn't chafe.  
But prudence does insist,  
"Do not trust this stranger--  
Don't allow a tryst--  
Play dog in the manger."  
  
**Alex:**  
Maria doesn't know  
There's no big plot at stake.  
Since we are _de trop_  
Let's give her a break.  
Let's not interfere--  
We'll let them be together,  
While we stay right here  
And talk about the weather.  
  
**Students:**  
Yes, yes, we'll talk about the weather.  
  
  
**No. 10: CHATTERING CHORUS AND DUET: Students, Maria and Michael**  
**Students:**  
How beautifully blue the sky,  
The temperature is very high,  
There's not a cloud in sight, I fear,  
And heatstroke's looming very near.  
Tomorrow if we get some rain  
We might have decent temps again;  
But people say, I don't know why,  
The desert's better hot and dry.  
  
_Enter MARIA and MICHAEL. MARIA's lipstick is smeared, and MICHAEL's hair is even more unruly than usual. (During MARIA's solo the STUDENTS continue to chatter pianissimo, but listening eagerly all the time.)_  
  
**SOLO--Maria:**  
I never thought I'd spy  
Someone so interesting--  
A poorly-bathed, weird guy  
That I should be detesting.  
I never thought I'd find  
The perfect stimulator--  
A guy who's such a strong vibrator!  
  
**Michael:** Hell, yes! oh, yes! this girl's a real vibrator.  
**Students:** How beautifully blue the sky, etc.  
  
**SOLO--Michael:**  
_(During this, STUDENTS continue their chatter pianissimo as before, but listening intently all the time.)_  
I never thought a girl  
Who spends her whole life yakking  
Could make my heart uncurl  
And set my walls to cracking.  
  
**ENSEMBLE:**  
**Maria:** I never thought I'd spy, etc.  
**Michael:** I never thought a girl, etc.  
**Girls:** How beautifully blue the sky, etc.  
  
  
**No. 11: RECITATIVE AND CHORUS--Michael, Students and Aliens**  
**RECIT--Michael:** Hey, I think that I should tell you:  
You would all be doing well to  
Head for parts well known.   
Drop suspicion and malign doubt;   
Better leave before you find out  
You are not alone.   
  
_(MICHAEL and MARIA retire.)_  
  
**Students:**  
Say, if Spiky-head does tell true  
We would all be doing well to  
Head for parts well known.   
Though we don't indulge in blind doubt,   
We would never want to find out  
We are not a--Aaahhh!  
  
_(During this chorus the ALIENS have entered stealthily, and formed in a semicircle behind the STUDENTS. As the STUDENTS move to go off, each ALIEN seizes a student. MAX seizes LIZ, TESS latches on to KYLE.)_  
  
All: Too late!   
Aliens: Too bad!   
All: Too late!   
Aliens: Too bad!   
Too bad! Too late! Too bad! Too late!   
  
  
**No. 11a: CHORUS--Aliens and Students**  
**Aliens:**  
You may call it eccentricity  
That we shun any publicity  
And prefer the anonymity  
Of a lack of close proximity;  
But since you have stumbled on the scene,  
Options are now few and far between:  
And to hide our true nativity  
We must now take you into captivity.  
  
**Students:**  
We may call it eccentricity  
To abandon all publicity  
And prefer the anonymity  
Of a lack of close proximity;  
But since we have stumbled on the scene  
Chances of escape are far between.  
They will hide their true nativity  
By taking us into cruel captivity.  
  
  
**No. 12: RECITATIVE WITH CHORUS--Maria, Tess, Mr. Harding, Students and Aliens**  
**RECIT--Maria:**  
Hey, losers! You had better learn some prudence and  
Give up the dumb idea that you're top dog;  
Just keep in mind that we are High School students and  
Our teacher is a potent pedgaogue!  
  
**Tess:**  
We'd better stop, or all our plans he'll clog;  
Their teacher is a potent pedagogue.  
  
**Students:** Yes, yes; he is a potent pedagogue!  
  
_(ED HARDING has entered unnoticed, on rock.)_  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Yes, I am a potent pedagogue!  
**Tess:** For he is a potent pedagogue!  
**All:** He is! Hurrah for the potent pedagogue!  
**Mr. Harding:** And it is--it is a powerful thing  
To be a potent pedagogue!  
**All:** It is! Hurrah for the potent pedagogue!  
  
  
**No. 13: SONG WITH CHORUS--Mr. Harding, Students and Aliens**  
**Mr. Harding:**  
I am the pinnacle of the profession pedagogical,  
I have a need for knowledge that approaches pathological.  
I know the latest pop stars and I quote their words so lyrical,  
From hardcore rap to lollipop to solo songs satirical.  
I'm very well acquainted too with Hollywood hysteria:  
The Oscar race and Golden Globes and other honoraria.  
About reality TV I always know the best of it--  
With lots to say about soap op'ras, sitcoms and the rest of it.  
  
**All:** With lots to say about, etc.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** I'm very good with baseball facts and other sporting trivia.  
I know that soccer's better known as fútbol in Bolivia.  
In short, for information that's coherent or illogical,  
I am the pinnacle of the profession pedagogical.  
  
**All:** In short, for information that's coherent or illogical,  
He is the pinnacle of the profession pedagogical.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** I know if it's more stylish to be zebra-striped or leopardy;  
I answer all the hardest questions that are asked on Jeopardy.  
I quote the head politicos and know their writs bipartisan;  
In sculpture I distinguish the artistic from the artisan.  
I can tell a Georgian armoire from an Early Late Victorian.  
I know how to debunk phenomena phantasmagorian.  
Then I can mimic Hepburn and all others who possessed her drawl,  
And rewrite common recipes to lower their cholesterol.  
  
**All:** And rewrite common recipes, etc.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Then I can judge investments and predict the int'rest they will earn,  
And tell you how to cheat to get a refund on your tax return;  
In short, for information that's coherent or illogical,  
I am the pinnacle of the profession pedagogical.  
  
**All:** In short, for information that's coherent or illogical,  
He is the pinnacle of the profession pedagogical.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** In fact, when I know what is meant by 'bathroom pass' and 'tardy slip,'  
When I can build a robot from an onion and a paper clip,  
When such ideas as flavored quarks and neutron stars I introduce,  
And when I disallow the 'My dog ate my homework' bad excuse,  
When I have learnt how best to torture ev'ry West Roswellian,  
When I know how to make a mid-term most Machiavellian;  
In short, when I've a smattering of info educational,  
You'll say I am a teacher who is clearly inspirational!  
  
**All:** You'll say he is, etc.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** For my vast array of knowledge, since it's complex and it's never wrong,  
Is more than just sufficient and is why I'm here to sing this song;  
And still, for information that's coherent or illogical,  
I am the pinnacle of the profession pedagogical.  
  
**All:** And still, for information that's coherent or illogical,  
He is the pinnacle of the profession pedagogical.  
  
  
**Mr. Harding:** And now that I've introduced myself I'd like to know what's going on.  
  
**Alex:** Oh, Mr. H.--we--  
  
**Tess:** Let me tell. It's simple: we're taking your students hostage.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Really?  
  
**Students:** They're abducting us, Mr. H--they're abducting us!  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Oh, but you mustn't do that! You know, I don't believe I've seen any of you before. Who are you?  
  
**Max:** We're typical teenagers.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Yes, I guessed that from the outfits--anything else?  
  
**Max:** No, nothing else.  
  
**Liz:** Don't believe them, Mr. Harding; they're aliens--the infamous Aliens of Antar!  
  
**Mr. Harding:** The Aliens of Antar? Is that some kind of rock group?  
  
**Maria:** All except this one--_(indicating MICHAEL)_--who's just a tourist, and is totally harmless, and besides, he's like really, really cute.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** But wait a minute. You can't abduct my students. They have exams coming up.  
  
**Max:** We're entirely opposed to testing. Of any kind.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** _(aside)_ Hey! an idea! _(Aloud)_ And are you really saying that you would deliberately steal away my charges, not to mention probably getting me fired, and leave me unemployed, unencumbered, and alone?  
  
**Max:** Well, yeah, pretty much. Sorry.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Listen, have you ever heard of a stress-induced ulcer?  
  
**Aliens** _(disgusted)_: Oh, crap!  
  
**Max:** What do you mean?  
  
**Mr. Harding:** I mean, have you ever been in a situation where someone or something caused so much stress that you could practically feel your stomach lining rotting away into a wraith of its former self?  
  
**Max:** Rath.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Yes, a wraith of its former self, that's what I said.  
  
**Max:** Not wraith, Rath. Rhymes with 'math', 'path' and, though you'd never guess it to look at him, 'bath'. And he goes by Michael now, anyway.  
  
**All** _(disgusted):_ Rath, Rath, Rath. _(Turning away.)_  
  
**Mr. Harding:** I don't think we're having the same conversation here. I ask you a simple health question, and you talk about 'wrath'. As I understand you, you're getting angry with me for no reason whatsoever.  
  
**Max:** I didn't say anything about getting angry.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Sorry, but you did.  
  
**Max:** I only answered your question.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Yes, with 'wrath.'  
  
**Max:** That's what I said!  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Hold on: I think I see where we are getting confused. When you said 'wrath,' did you mean 'wrath' as in all-encompassing, venomous ire?  
  
**Max:** Oh! Sorry--Actually, I said 'Rath'. R-A-T-H. It's a name.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Aha! You spoke without wrath.  
  
**Max:** No, I told you--  
  
**Mr. Harding** _(irritated)_: Exactly--you spoke without wrath with Rath.  
  
  
**No. 14: ACT ONE FINALE--Mr. Harding, Tess, Max, Michael, Maria, Liz, Alex, Isabel, Students and Aliens**  
**RECIT--Mr. Harding:**  
Oh, strangers whom I've barely met,  
Rethink your plan puerile,  
For if you carry out your threat,  
I'll have an ulcer vile!  
  
**Max and Tess:** An ulcer vile?  
**Mr. Harding:** An ulcer vile!  
**Aliens:** How sad--an ulcer vile.  
  
**SOLO--Mr. Harding:**  
These students who you see  
Are all my brightest and my best!  
  
**Aliens:** Poor fellow!  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Take them away from me  
And I shall have no one to test.  
  
**Aliens:** Poor fellow!  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Since pupils such as these  
Are all my heart can call worthwhile,  
Their loss academese--  
Far worse than a disease--  
Would leave me sore and wounded with an ugly ulcer vile!  
  
**Aliens** _(sobbing)_: Poor fellow!  
Their loss academese--  
Far worse than a disease--  
Would leave him sore and wounded with an ugly ulcer vile!  
  
**Tess:** An ulcer vile!  
**Max and Tess:** An ulcer vile!  
Their loss academese--  
Far worse than a disease--  
Would leave him sore and wounded with an ugly ulcer vile!  
**All:** Poor fellow!  
  
**ENSEMBLE**  
**Mr. Harding** _(aside):_  
I have to admit I'm a liar  
I tell falsehoods without qualifier  
But they would have taken my pupils  
Without any questions or scruples.  
If I hadn't, with quick-witted thinking,  
Indulged in some clever hoodwinking  
Which has pulled the fat out of the fire  
So hip and hooray for the terrible liar.  
  
**Students** _(aside):_  
Oh, we hate to admit he's a liar  
Since he's saved us from alien ire,  
For they'd have abducted us pupils  
Without any questions or scruples.  
It is easy, with manner unshrinking  
To tell an untruth without blinking,  
But a lie's not a thing we admire,  
So, sad is the fate of a terrible liar.  
  
**Aliens** _(aside):_  
If we ever should find he's a liar,  
He shall have his own funeral pyre.  
And so will his cadre of pupils,  
All due to his gross lack of scruples;  
Well, unless they confess without shrinking--  
Though to tell on him would be rat-finking.  
From the frying pan into the fire  
Is sadly the fate of a terrible liar.  
  
**Max:**  
Since Michael's never shown  
Himself to find romance appealing,  
The thought that he has grown  
To love a human sends us reeling.  
But when push comes to shove,  
We are reluctant to disbar it,  
For what, we ask, is love  
Without some star-crossed angst to mar it?  
  
**All** _(kneeling)_:  
Hail, Fanfiction, thou ready read!  
Thou givest 'shippers what they need.  
Hail, literary enterprise!  
All hail, thou feast for mind and eyes! _(All rise.)_  
  
**Max:** You are free, for we can't hold you now; a plot device protects you,  
For none of us could stand it if the slightest pain affects you!  
  
**Tess:** For he is a Healer King.  
**Chorus:** He is! Hurrah for the Healer King.  
**Mr. Harding:** And it sometimes is a useful thing  
To know a Healer King.  
**Chorus:** It is! Hurrah for the Healer King.  
  
We shout farewell to glow'ring gloom;  
There's only joy when love's in bloom.  
If we (they) don't fight, then we assume  
We'll (they'll) visit the Eraser Room!  
  
_(ISABEL enters and comes down to MICHAEL.)_  
  
**Isabel:** Oh, Michael, don't you go before all's mended.  
Remember me? I'm Isabel, your true intended!  
**Chorus:** Yes, yes, it's Isabel, your true intended!  
**Michael:** _(ALIENS threaten ISABEL.)_ Quit trying to steamroll me!  
**Chorus:** Quit trying to steamroll him!  
**Isabel:** Oh, please console me!  
**Chorus:** Oh, please console her!  
**Michael:** Don't you cajole me!  
**Chorus:** Don't you cajole him!  
**Michael:** You can't control me!  
  
_(MICHAEL casts ISABEL from him.)_  
  
**Chorus:** You can't control him!  
  
**ENSEMBLE**  
Please observe the great maturity  
With which we (they) forgo security!  
We (they) will seize the opportunity  
To build lives in this community.  
We (they) give up our (their) anonymity  
And our (their) lack of close proximity  
For a friendlier activity  
(Hoping that we can avoid captivity).  
  
_(STUDENTS and MR. HARDING go up rocks, while ALIENS indulge in a wild dance of delight on stage. MR. HARDING produces an American flag, and MAX produces a black flag with a green alien head. Enter ISABEL, who makes a final appeal to MICHAEL, who casts her from him.)_  
  
**End of Act I.**  
  



	2. Act II

  
**ACT 2**  
  
_SCENE: A crowded Crashdown café. Alien décor everywhere. MR. HARDING discovered seated pensively, surrounded by the students._  
  
  
**No. 15: OPENING CHORUS AND SOLO--Students and Maria  
Students:**  
Oh, bring us more to eat,  
We crave some Saturn Rings;  
We are not yet replete  
With tasty, tempting things.  
A Trekkie special or  
Green Martian Shake would suit,  
Sigourney Weaver burgers  
And some fries to boot!  
  
_Enter MARIA, wearing a blue-green uniform with silver alien-head apron and antennae headband._  
  
**SOLO--Maria:**  
It's time for the Crashdown to close,  
Been on my feet all day.  
The life of a waitress sure blows;  
Wish folks would go away.  
Why is Mr. Harding here,  
In such a lousy mood?  
The reason's really unclear--  
It sure can't be for the food!  
It's time for the Crashdown to close;  
The life of a waitress sure blows!  
  
  
_MICHAEL enters._  
  
**Maria:** Oh, Michael, can't you do something about Mr. Harding? He won't leave, and it's getting really annoying. And he's a lousy tipper, too.  
  
**Michael:** I'll give it a shot, Maria. But what the hell's his problem, anyway?  
  
**Mr. Harding:** What's my problem? To escape from the aliens' clutches, I told them I was prone to ulcers, and, God help me, I'm not. I'm perfectly healthy! I come here to this kitschy dive in the hope that copious amounts of greasy diner food will do the work that good health cannot, and at the very least give me a mild case of heartburn.  
  
**Michael:** Uh, right. You might want to try chugging down a couple bottles of Tabasco, then. I like it, and I don't think it'll actually _kill_ you.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Michael, this café serves a number of semi-edible concoctions that should do admirably. I don't know which to have, but I do know which I've _had_, and I hate to think that someone of refined epicurean taste (if I may so describe myself) should be forced to submit to such cholesterol-ridden, artery-clogging, plebeian comestibles, all to redeem my fraudulent tongue.  
  
**Michael:** Just chill, okay? If you hadn't lied, Max would've never given in, and they would've abducted everybody.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Thank you, but that's of no help. I tell you, Michael, I feel so badly about the lie I told your rather easily-deluded alien friends that I would go to their tender-hearted king right now and tell the truth, if I didn't think that the consequences would be most disastrous to myself. Are you certain they won't attempt to invade our peaceful little town?  
  
**Michael:** Invade this tourist trap? You gotta be kidding. Just finish up so we can close up, will you? Then Maria and I can hook up for a little one-on-one.  
  
**Mr. Harding:** And their camp is well-hidden?  
  
**Michael:** Yeah, as good as it can be. It's a big desert. Besides, nobody really expects real aliens in Roswell, right?  
  
  
**No. 16: RECITATIVE--Mr. Harding and Michael  
Mr. Harding:**  
No, Michael, you must all be on the lookout.  
Beware those paranoiac governmentals,  
The Fed'ral Bureau of Investigation.  
  
**Michael:** Oh shit, they're here!  
  
  
_Enter FBI AGENTS, marching in single file. They form in line, facing audience._  
  
**No. 17: QUARTET WITH CHORUS--Pierce, Maria, Liz, Mr. Harding, FBI Agents and Students**  
**Pierce:** When the government does call,  
**FBI Agents:** We're FBI! We're FBI!  
**Pierce:** An invasion to forestall,  
**FBI Agents:** We're FBI!  
**Pierce:** Then the patriotic move  
**FBI Agents:** We're FBI! We're FBI!  
**Pierce:** Is to get into the groove.  
**FBI Agents:** We're FBI!  
**Pierce:** For when hunting UFOs,  
**FBI Agents:** We're FBI! We're FBI!  
**Pierce:** And you face one, nose to nose,  
**FBI Agents:** We're FBI!  
**Pierce:** There is just one thing to do;  
You must shout, with much ado:  
We're FBI-ay-ay--We're FBI!  
  
**FBI Agents:** We're FBI-ay-ay--We're FBI!  
  
**Maria:**  
So my boyfriend isn't human,  
And he needs to learn some groomin';  
That's no reason for presumin'  
He deserves to be put down!  
He's my boyfriend, not some hellion.  
Go, or every West Roswellian  
Will join in on the rebellion.  
Go away, get out of town!  
  
**Students:** Go away, get out of town!  
  
**Pierce:** Though your simple-minded threat  
**FBI Agents:** We're FBI! We're FBI!  
**Pierce:** Might leave weak men wringing wet,  
**FBI Agents:** We're FBI!  
**Pierce:** Such expressions won't succeed;  
**FBI Agents:** We're FBI! We're FBI!  
**Pierce:** We are far too strongly-kneed,  
**FBI Agents:** We're FBI!  
**Pierce:** And we come with the intent  
To exterminate the gent,  
**FBI Agents:** We're FBI!  
**Pierce:** Still, your simple-minded threat  
Might leave weak men wringing wet.  
**FBI Agents:** We're FBI, we're FBI, we're FBI!  
  
**Liz:** Go forget this wild fixation.  
Planetary deviation  
Is a total fabrication--  
UFOs do not exist!  
  
**Students:** For your notion's really foolish,  
And your attitude quite mulish,  
Your opinions kinda toolish,  
And we're getting pretty pissed.  
  
**Pierce:** We observe a subtle lack  
In your coy counterattack,  
And a surety that's false,  
Full of sentimental schmaltz.  
Still, perhaps we'll let it slide  
Till we find his spaceship ride  
Since your simple-minded threat  
Might leave weak men wringing wet.  
  
**FBI Agents:** Yes, your simple-minded threat  
Might leave weak men wringing wet.  
Simple threat, wringing wet;  
Simple threat, oh, wringing wet.  
  
**ENSEMBLE:  
Chorus of all but FBI Agents:**  
Go forget this wild fixation.  
Planetary deviation  
Is a total fabrication--  
UFOs do not exist!  
For your notion's really foolish,  
And your attitude quite mulish,  
Your opinions kinda toolish,  
And we're getting pretty pissed.  
  
Go away, 'cause UFOs do not exist!  
Go away, 'cause UFOs do not exist!  
Planetary deviation  
Is a total fabrication--  
UFOs do not exist!  
  
**Chorus of FBI Agents:**  
When the government does call,  
We're FBI! We're FBI!  
An invasion to forestall,  
We're FBI!  
Then the patriotic move  
We're FBI! We're FBI!  
Is to get into the groove.  
We're FBI!  
For when hunting UFOs,  
We're FBI! We're FBI!  
And you face one, nose to nose,  
We're FBI!  
There is just one thing to do;  
You must shout with much ado:  
You're FBI-ay-ay-ay-ay!  
  
  
**Mr. Harding:** Desist, desist!  
**FBI Agents** _(without moving)_: Yes, yes, we know.  
**Mr. Harding:** They're getting pissed.  
**FBI Agents:** We're FBI!  
**Mr. Harding:** Then don't resist.  
**FBI Agents:** We're FBI!  
**Mr. Harding:** Then why persist?  
**FBI Agents:** Because we know.  
**All:** We'll (They'll) find the UFO!  
**Mr. Harding:** You'll get the heave-ho!  
**All:** We (They) know, we (they) know!  
We'll (They'll) find the UFO!  
**Mr. Harding:** Would you get _out_ of here already?!?  
**FBI Agents:** We go!  
**All:** At last they really go!  
  
_(Exuent FBI Agents. MARIA tears herself from MICHAEL and exits, followed by her fellow students, consoling her. MR. HARDING and others follow. MICHAEL remains.)_  
  
  
TBC... 


End file.
